Reality TV show with Friedrich Nietzsche and Paris Hilton.

Musical remake of the Virginia Woolf classic. Vocalist Tunde Baiyewu and keyboard player Paul Tucker weave together classics of their own, like ‘Lifted’ and ‘Ocean Drive’, to recreate Woolf’s complex multiple narratives in the formulaic manner that is currently so lucrative in the West End.

New downbeat animation series based on the adventures of Zebedee, whose hubris leads to him losing all his friends owing to the evil machinations of Ermintrude. As he feels the world turning against him his morality steadily declines, until the shocking finale where, in a misguided attempt to save him from the cruelty and arbitrary whimsy of the world of the Tragic Roundabout, he murders Dougal by repeatedly bouncing on him.

Micheal Moore (On the Dole) and Charlton Heston hit the lanes for 10 frames of tense pin felling; the winner taking home a veritable harem of bullet ridden american teenagers.

Orson Welles meets the most famous and accomplished people from Oregon, and explains the functions of the human body to them. Series begins with The Simpsons creator, Matt Groening, and continues with some other, as yet unnamed, famous or accomplished people from Oregon. Interviews are separated by Welles’ frequent visits to Mount Angel Abbey Church in Portland, which houses what he believes to be the worlds most vital organ.

Sean Penn challenges the royal family of Saudi Arabia to a friendly ‘thumb war’ to see who is the mightiest.

Thousands of contestants from around the world make an assortment of gestures and sounds after which 90s acid-house-rock-fusion legend Seal approves one type of gesture or sound, like a kind of reverse ‘Simon Says’ Those hopefuls who were correct are permitted to enter the next round until there is only one remaining contestant, who is subsequently branded with the entire lyric of Seal’s first hit single, “Crazy”.

Malcolm X steps up to the plate for the annual Nation of Islam ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ competition.

Robert Kilroy-Silk is encouraged to get Oliver-Reedishly drunk and discuss asylum seekers in this fly-on-the-wall dinner party documentary.

Professor Gunther von Hagens exhumes the late Tony Hancox and, after demonstrating how far the head of the mostly decomposed corpse may be rotated, makes a rash hypothesis.

Documentary: After years of bullying from his peers at the UN Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission, former international weapons inspetor Hans Blix travels to Cambodia as a weapons tourist to blow up a goat with a 240-mm Soviet “Tyulpan” self-propelled mortar and prove he’s not the ‘pussy’ everyone says he is.

George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley are so insensed by football hooliganism that they decided to take matters into their own hands and infiltrate the violent underground element of West Ham Football Club’s fan base. Fight scenes are enhanced by Batman-style graphic onomatopoeias.

Bill (Willem Dafoe) and Ted (Ed Burns) spend a week at home watching 24: Season 3 and eating bacon sandwiches whilst pretending to be on a epic (and very expensive) adventure through heaven and hell that is in reality little more than an elaborate tax write-off.

After taking disk four hostage, Burns is fantastically underwhelmed to discover that Dafoe was originally named ‘William’, and that it was he who changed it to avoid being called ‘Billy’ when he was younger.

Historical Docu-drama. Bill (Willem Defoe) and Ted (Ed Burns) use a phone box as their vessel to take a wacky trip through time and space in an attempt to develop a system of classification for Keanu Reeves’ various acting roles.

Subplots include the pair trying, with hilarious consequences, to keep track of every reference to Reeves’ acting as ‘wooden’ (or any variation thereof) by critics, chatshow hosts, and the general public, and the increasing annoyance of Burns as he attempts to find out why Dafoe spells his first name with an E; an exchange that becomes a weekly standing joke.

Offensively un-PC ITV1 rehash of the original. An assortment of Chinese take part in a round robin style arm wrestling tournament whilst Anne Robinson, herself wearing headgear designed to tighten the skin around her eyes so as to make her ‘a bit slitty looking’, fires questions at them about their country’s inability to quash comparitively small Japan during WWII, the answers to which frequently requiring the pronunciation of a proportionally high amount of R’s and L’s.

The show’s problems are compounded by the fact that, due to the ineptitude of the show’s researchers, many of the contestants are not actually chinese but merely of wider East-Asian descent.

All the contestants try and mimic Anne Robinson’s wink, and the one with the weakest impersonation goes out at the end of each round.

See if you can think of any other weakest wink variations. try changing one vowel in the second word.

Screwball buddy comedy: Rappers Vanilla Ice and Ice Cube adopt a child (Steve Guttenberg) through an hilarious sequence of events. The new parents clash repeatedly over Vanilla’s insistance on ‘phonics’-based reading lessons where Cube prefers a classical education. In Ancient Greek with jive-talk subtitles.

East London untouchable Bob Hoskins has his organised crime empire swept from under his feet by an army of cuddly toys with primitive artificial intelligence and moderate infra-red telepathy.

Ruby Wax stars as a wizened kung-fu master tv personality whose on-screen success is quite sporadic. In periods of work-liberty she entices small defenceless boys to her house to have them perform laborious household chores.

Kafka and his 5 Generation-X buddies spend most days in the hilariously named Café Karlovo Namesti drinking tepid borsht out of absurdly small bowls. In series 4 the comrades aquire a somewhat anthropomorphised cockroach, which ultimately results in a serious existential breakdown for Franz.

Washed up Crispian Mills stars in this Channel 5 rip-off of ‘Cocker Hoop’.

Jarvis Cocker boastfully demonstrates the hula skills that have made him famous.

Thriller in which Terry Christian gets a nasty case of itchy, itchy ecsma while holidaying in rural Jamaica. Fortunately, he finds himself in the vicinity of Black Ark studios. The result is a crazy new reggae sound as Lee Perry creates syncopating rhythms by scraping off Christian’s arm dandruff. The resulting recording is rapidly ripped off by Madonna.

Anthony Worrell Thompson (ready steady cook) plays multiple burns victim and OBE awarded Simon Weston (this is your life) as he fights to maintain his place as the face of serious disfigurement survival in Britain. Numerous TV appearances and charitable trust openings do little to alay his increasing paranoia as he embarks on a week long plunge into the depths of adversity survival that ultimately results in the death of himself and all those close to him.

Fern Britain co-stars as a young Esther Rantzen.