Commission x10
This post is a repository for bad pun-based TV show ideas. With luck, some cretin from Channel 5 will offer me an obnoxious sum of money to produce one of them, allowing me to indulge once more in my true vocation, which I call “Ten-Ming-Vase Bowling”.
Please add shows of your own invention as comments below. Bonus points will be awarded for theming your idea around some social taboo, provided it’s not so ridiculous that it ceases to be offensive.
Of course, none of this would have been possible without the trailblazing work of some of Britain’s finest: Lee & Herring, who unashamedly milked such gems as Bent Coppers and On the Rag; Charlie Brooker, who, in giving an example of what not to submit to TV Go Home, gave us the exquisite Changing Wombs; and most importantly, Geoff Atkinson, for the greatest TV pun ever conceived, let alone realised.
September 27th, 2005 at 11:08
Khan ‘n’ Kant:
Genghis Khan and Immanuel Kant share a flat in Hammersmith. Khan (Martin Clunes) is tremendously successful, both with the opposite sex and in his career as Emperor of the combined Mongol tribes; Kant (Neil Morrissey) is an habitual loser, often failing to accomplish simple tasks such as cleaning the windows, or the reconciliation of deterministic and teleological temporality.
September 27th, 2005 at 11:35
Thai Tan Inc.
Leonardo Di Caprio runs a tanning salon on a cruise ship near a secluded beatnik island-haven off the coast of Thailand. He is a poor dancer, an alcoholic and a thief. He later drowns.
September 27th, 2005 at 11:52
Qaddafi, Duck!
Muammar Abu Minyar al-Qaddafi (voiced by Chuck Jones) vainly strives to lead Libya to Islamic Socialism, but his every attempt is thwarted by hilarious cunning schemes of a cartoon rabbit paramilitarist.
September 27th, 2005 at 13:56
Jung Guns
Light hearted coming-of-age drama. A small band of teenage maverick analytical psychologists led by Carl Jung (Christian Slater) explore the wild west and the reconciliation of the life of the individual with the world of supra-personal archetypes.
The Jungsters find themselves in trouble with the law when their atypical method of explaining the collective unconscious to strangers at gun point gets discovered.
September 27th, 2005 at 14:23
Mighty Morphin’ T’Pau-er Rangers
Carol Decker and Ronnie Rogers are colourful superhero ninjas who can transform into robots and be clipped together to form a bigger, less coordinated robot. In their spare time they carry out post-graduate research at the Trent and Peak Archaeological Unit, a department of Nottingham University. Decker is addicted to medical-grade morphine and Rogers to Mighty White, a whole-grain bread that achieved some popularity amongst caucasian supremicists in the 1990s. Rogers’s frequent bad moods, brought on by the difficulty of obtaining Mighty White bread in the 21st century (especially in comparison to the apparent ubiquity of morphine), often result in protracted periods of disinclination to clip together, in which case the duo are forced to fight their plastic mutant foe separately. As their powers are significantly diminished when apart, the brave warriors usually return to their respective homes (Glasgow and Queen’s Park) and immerse themselves in supporting their local football teams.
September 27th, 2005 at 16:02
Bling and Bi Sail
Donna Bling and David Bi go to a different car-boot sale or village fete every week, travelling between them by sail-boat, however difficult this proves to be. David Bi (played by 50 Cent) is a former gangsta rapper who wears a lot of gold chains, while Donna Bling (played by Judi Dench) is a bisexual. In between learning how to tie the perfect sheepshank and wondering whether to price their old videos individually or just sell them for £1 each, the two occasionally play badminton.
September 27th, 2005 at 16:18
Hoe Hum
A gang of prostitutes must remodel suburban gardens before the owner’s wife
comes home and catches him with a garden full of hookers. They can only use hoes as implements. And they must communicate only by blowing on kazoos.
Unsurprisingly, they seldom succeed.
Huggy bear presents.
September 27th, 2005 at 16:22
Blue Peter Badge
Detective Inspector Peter Badge (Nick Nolte) is depressed because he’s got Raynaud’s disease.
September 27th, 2005 at 16:24
Who Ate All The Pi?
University Challenge meets Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow. Every week two different university maths departments compete in a series of tag-team speed-eating contests. The losing team gets gunged, the winning team are given one minute to recite pi to as many decimal places as they can in the hope of winning the ultimate prize, a pie of their choosing (only apple or rhubarb are available though).
September 27th, 2005 at 16:29
Bungle Jew Ghee
A group of mildly dyspraxic rabbis are sent to live in the jungle, where they compete in a Soul Train style dance-off once a week. The dance floor is coated in clarified indian butter to make their task more challenging. The worst dancer is voted off for ‘bungle’-ing.
Presented by Bungle the Bear off Rainbow with music by hard rock band Mr Bungle, who cover Hava Nagila as the theme tune. Many of the presenters are afflicted with spoonerism.
September 27th, 2005 at 16:40
Terminal Billocity
The year is 2012. Every living human has appeared on The Bill, with the exception of William Hague, who has provisionally been cast as a witless bald political zealot with terminal wind. Moreover, he’s nowhere to be found! Join Bill (Bill Murray) and Bill (Willem Dafoe) as they mount an heroic search for him that they cunningly contrive never to complete. There is an airport scene in which someone uses an old computer. And then dies.
September 27th, 2005 at 16:53
10 things 1 8 about 2
Teen-math-sing-a-long-rom-com with that girl off of The Wonder Years who is now rather good looking and who recently proved a difficult mathematics theorem. She is a deaf mute math genius who can only communicate by tapping on things, which really irritates everyone. Half way through the second act she saucily removes her glasses and discovers that she is also blind.
September 27th, 2005 at 17:00
Carlito’s Gay
Musical comedy with Al Pacino. Puerto rican mafia goon Carlito is very happy because he recently revealed to his friends that he’s a homosexual and no one gave him any trouble about it. They haven’t even make cruel jokes even though he’s just got out of prison. They haven’t even said, “Hey Carlito, I heard you just came out… of prison”, or anything. So that’s why he’s so happy. And also because he gets to slice up rivals with a chainsaw while wearing his favourite tight white jeans.
September 27th, 2005 at 17:12
A-Weller-Weller-Weller-huh! Tell me more!
Every night, Paul Weller and his two brothers play the ever popular Grease Megamix on their guitars before breathing out heavily and then expatiating upon the day’s current events.
September 27th, 2005 at 17:22
We Can’t Go on Together with Suspicious Mines
Elvis impersonators from around the world embark on a three-legged-race through a field of unexpoded ordnance.
OR:
We Can’t Go on Together with Suspicious Mimes
Elvis impersonators from around the world embark on a three-legged-race through a field of unexpoded silent street performers.
OR:
We Can’t Go on Together with Suspicious Memes
Elvis impersonators from around the world embark on a three-legged-race through a field in which Professor Richard Dawkins expounds many convincing ideas, only some of which turn out to be true.
September 27th, 2005 at 17:50
Simply Read
Mick Hucknall is an essentially feral degenerate, illiterate and consequently lacking even the most ignorant grasp of literature.
Now if only I could think of an idea for a TV show. Aaaaaaahh.
September 27th, 2005 at 18:10
Only Fuels and Hearses
George W. Bush (David Jason) and Tony Blair (Nicholas Lyndhurst) take their respective countries to war to secure a short-term glut of oil, resulting in the needless loss of innumerable human lives. They are obsessed by the possibility of obtaining further wealth and power, they share a very loose grasp of fair trade and both of them have ugly wives.
September 28th, 2005 at 9:56
Hot To Trotsky
Brash, sexy fashion makeover show narrated by Fern Cotton. Each week a guy and a girl are given a thorough makeover by costume historians prior to going on a hot date (which will possibly involve horse-riding or other equine activities). The twist is that both of them are transformed to look exactly like proponent of continuing revolution and former Soviet Commissar for War Leon ‘Hot To’ Trotsky. Upset and confused by the fact that they look exactly like one another, the happy couple fight to the death, armed only with ice picks and a detailed grasp of dialectical materialism.
September 28th, 2005 at 9:56
Woo-Ha! I Got You All in Check
Legendary film director John Woo presents a humorous fashion roadshow where each week the audience are convinced to convert to a uniformly Tartan wardrobe. In Czech with Czech subtitles. Fern Cotton narrates.
September 28th, 2005 at 10:35
Why have Cotton when you can have Silk?
Brash, sexy fashion makeover show narrated by Robert Kilroy-Silk
September 28th, 2005 at 10:44
Here Viggo, Here Viggo, Here Viggo
Road trip man’s-best-friend buddy movie. Diego Maradona (Diego Maradona) travels through South America demonstrating the footballing skills that have made him famous, and occasionally looking for his lost dachshund (Viggo Mortensen), who was born between August 23rd and September 22nd.
September 28th, 2005 at 10:53
Crimea River,
Musical thriller: Ella (Justin Timberlake) and Justin (Ella Fitzgerald) must put aside their differences and battle, no… rap-battle for their lives when bad luck turns their dream rafting holiday on the Uzundga river in Ukraine into a nightmare rafting holiday on the Uzundga river in Ukraine. Dennis Hopper plays a shark that can beatbox.
September 28th, 2005 at 10:54
The Fresh Perch of Bel Air
Will Smith plays an annoying cartoon fish that can’t beatbox.
September 28th, 2005 at 10:55
The Life of Pie
Reasonably self-explanatory docu-saga about the ever-popular, generally round-shaped dessert type. The pie in question is a Pecan and Walnut from Sainsbury’s Taste The Difference range. Narrated by Martin Freeman.
September 28th, 2005 at 11:17
Finding Nimoy
Like Star Trek III, but Uhura is an annoying cartoon fish played by Ellen DeGeneres.
September 28th, 2005 at 11:40
Aunt Tony, Me ‘n’ Geller
Reality show: Tony Blackburn, Darren Day and Uri Geller are sent to live together in the jungle for six weeks. They must perform difficult or unpleasant tasks, which include eating bugs, wallowing in bugs, putting bugs on their faces, and clipping together to make a big, though uncoordinated, robot simulacrum of Anthony Minghella, the successful screenwriter and director. They must all wear drag during the tasks and mild-mannered Blackburn naturally assumes the role of matriarch. Day narrates.
September 28th, 2005 at 13:33
Happy Slappers
Jordan and Jade Goody move into a shared house with their husbands and kids in a touching sitcom about the difficulty of raising children in the modern world. In this episode, Jade worries that her child is growing up to be a bit common. She salves her conscience by going out with Peter Andre for a bucket of Lambrini with aftershock chasers.
Then she gets happy slapped on her way home.
Bob Hoskins guests as Andre’s six pack.
September 28th, 2005 at 14:47
Slattery’s not Included
Tony Slattery presents a whimsical look back through the entire history of good British comedy, from which he is conspicuously and correctly absent.
September 28th, 2005 at 16:43
Dirty Danson
Ted Danson (Ted Danson) masquerades as a naive sixteen year old girl in order to lure holiday camp dance teacher Johnny Castle (Patrick Swayze) into bed to play no-clothes-Twister. After a change of heart he drops his cynical ham-chasing and learns a complex dance routine in order to raise money for Johnny’s lover’s abortion, on the sole condition that he is allowed to perform the operation himself.
September 28th, 2005 at 16:51
Lynam Up
Sports commentary legend Des Lynam presents the world domino trials from a hot air balloon whilst under the influence of amphetamine.
September 28th, 2005 at 16:55
One over the Eight
Carol Vorderman plays an alcoholic primary school maths teacher.
September 28th, 2005 at 17:03
The Turner the Screw
Murder Mystery: Prison guard Diana Screw (Tina Turner) is forced to turn detective when an inmate starts a DIY killing spree. With screws or something. Contains mild innuendo and 19th century landscapes.
September 28th, 2005 at 17:35
Campbell’s Condensed Soup
While moonlighting for BBC 4 as the presenter of an abridged history of popular British broths, Alastair Campbell mysteriously and violently shrinks, a grave political blunder which must inevitably be reported to his supervisor.
September 28th, 2005 at 17:53
Haydn Sikh
Howard Goodall counts to one-hundred and then looks very hard for clues that Franz Joseph Haydn might have been a Sikh. The search ultimately proves fruitless. Even when Goodall yells loudly that he’s giving up and going home for dinner.
September 28th, 2005 at 18:00
Naughtie Boys
Two fast-talking hip detectives (James Naughtie & John Humphrys) protect a murder witness while investigating a case of heroin stolen live on air on BBC Radio 4′s The Today Programme. They are excellent interrogators, but they interrupt a lot, which quickly becomes really annoying.
September 28th, 2005 at 18:31
Jim’ll Fax It
To make ends meet, Jimmy Saville is forced to take a temping job as a copy boy at a prestigious law firm with hilarious consequences.
September 28th, 2005 at 19:35
A Hutch of Frost
Dated Satirical Comedy. Starsky has been kidnapped & Hutch and David Frost try to solve the mystery whilst shut in a rabbits cage made of ice crystals. They are not getting on.
September 28th, 2005 at 19:52
Starkey & Hutch
Ill-advized Remake. Sneery popular Historian David Starkey and streetwise cop Ken “Hutch” Hutchinson investigate how England evolved from a land of warlords to become a constitutional monarchy, while driving around and around in a red-and-white rabbit shelter, knocking over piles of empty cardboard boxes.
September 29th, 2005 at 1:20
On The Ball
Early morning quiz show presented by and starring Zoe Ball and her father, Johnny. Contestants are required to balance atop Zoe ball’s head while concentrating on detailed basketball analysis. Meanwhile, Johnny Ball demands they display feats of extraordinary footballing prowess.
September 29th, 2005 at 1:37
A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss
Ill-advised reality gameshow. Each week, a different member of ageing sixties rock band The Rolling Stones are asked to locate elusive super-model Kate Moss, and deliver her to The Priory. As the title suggests, their attempts fail, often with disastrous, sometimes fatal consequences.
September 29th, 2005 at 10:30
Saville Row
To make ends meet, washed up TV altruist Jimmy Saville (Jim’ll Fax It) is forced to take a temping job on a Viking longship. Perversely, his new employers insist that he swaps his comfortable trademark shell suit for an esquisitely tailored three-piece suit.
September 29th, 2005 at 10:52
Suggs and Letters
Graham McPherson from popular beat combo Madness runs a gastro pub franchise in Hastings. He receives substantial amounts of mail, though mysteriously he cannot read. Half way through the second act he saucily removes his glasses and discovers that he has primitive lensless eyes on extendable stalks that are barely able to distinguish light and dark.
September 29th, 2005 at 11:43
Blessed Are the Meek: For They Shall Inherit the Earth
Brian Blessed (Brian Blessed) and his wife Brenda (Brenda Blethyn) inherit the Earth because they were meek, and Jesus was right.
September 29th, 2005 at 11:53
Another Faulty-Eight Towers
Action-comedy sequel: Nick Nolte (Blue Peter Badge) is hotelier-come-hard-nosed-cop Basil Fawlty. When a guest has the audacity to snuff it during the night. Basil is frantic with worry as he thinks it might have been the dodgy kippers he served them the previous evening. He has no option but to team up with a wise-cracking black criminal temporarily paroled to him (Prunella Scales), in order to track down the real killer.
September 29th, 2005 at 12:28
Throw Your Hans in the Air Like You Just Don’t Care
Sneery popular Historian David Starkey (Starkey and Hutch) investigates historical evidence to support his thesis that Hans Christian Anderson’s fatal injuries were not caused by an accidental fall from his bed, but rather from cruel defenestration by street urchins with a severe irreverence for his famous stories.
September 29th, 2005 at 12:51
Coal!
Like millions of kids around the world, Santiago harbours the dream of being a professional miner. However, living in the Barrios section of Los Angeles, he thinks it is only that–a dream. Until, one day an extraordinary turn of events has him trying out for a premiership pit in Newcastle, England. Special appearances by real life manual labourers David Beckham, Zinédine Zidane and Alan Shearer.
September 29th, 2005 at 13:02
U. Spinmerightroundbabyrightroundlikearecordbabyrightroundroundround
Video diary documentary: DJ Spin (real name Umberto Spinmerightroundbabyrightroundlikearecordbabyrightroundroundround) is one of the new wave of european super-DJs, but suffers from a terminal inner-ear disorder. We follow his heart-warming struggle to overcome his severe balance and hearing disabilities in order to get his derivative, inconsequential pap to the masses.
September 29th, 2005 at 13:40
Ekow Chamber
Late-night cultural discussion show hosted by arts luminaries Ekow Eshun and Umberto Eco; a fine idea in principle hamstrung by the fact that you can’t hear a word anyone says because the show takes place in an echo chamber.
September 29th, 2005 at 13:58
Big Blubber
Emotional reality TV show starring a group of Japanese whalers.
September 29th, 2005 at 14:02
The Lady’s Not For Turning
Margaret Thatcher attempts to transport her frail, senile frame around Silverstone race track, a task that is complicated by the fact that she can only move in an absolutely straight line.
September 29th, 2005 at 15:24
4 Reel
Late night Channel 4 extreme fishing compendium with Richey Edwards.
September 29th, 2005 at 15:31
4 Real Drive
While out filming for a Late night Channel 4 extreme fishing compendium, Richey Edwards is captured by golf-obsessed pirates. When they confiscate his Land Rover, his only hope is to enter their annual golf championship. The prize? Four gold pieces, and his freedom. Naturally, he wins, and returns to his home at number four, Real Drive.
September 29th, 2005 at 15:57
Keane as Mustard
Pop tycoon Tom Chaplin is a real Cluedo enthusiast, but even he can’t follow the plot when he is magically transformed into the tiny inanimate plastic counter representative of the fictional character Colonel Mustard and implicated in a nefarious murder conspiracy. Peter Andre (Happy Slappers) guests as the lead piping and is convincingly blunt.
September 29th, 2005 at 16:22
Ho’s Tile Takeover
Julia Roberts stars as a prostitute with a heart of gold who decides to leave her seedy job to stage a corporate coup of the ceramics industry. Richard Gere stars as a tile though his performance is somewhat half-baked.
September 29th, 2005 at 16:25
Tope of the Popes
Heavy papal drinking, live from the Vatican every Thursday night.
September 29th, 2005 at 16:35
Will to Will Carpets
William Shakespeare and William S. Burroughs’s carpet retail dream is torn to tatters when they discuss how it should be handled after one of them dies. None of their options seem to be fitting. Both being amateur writers, they each spin a fine yarn, laying predictions of what might happen if the business rolled into the wrong hems. Hands. One of them signals his anger by aggressively shaking a spear, whilst the other digs himself a protective fox-hole. Paul Simon (the carpet entrepreneur) guests as Paul Simon (the musician).
September 29th, 2005 at 16:42
Waugh & Piss
Evelyn Waugh reads from his own quintessentially epic, age defining urine sample results. In the original Russian and French, with English subtitles.
September 29th, 2005 at 17:44
Tarp of the Popes
Phone-in advice show for those interested in camping and specifically camping equipment, live from the Vatican every Thursday night.
September 29th, 2005 at 17:50
Trope of the Popes
Live show about metaphors, broadcast from the Vatican with Tarp of the Popes and Tope of the Popes as part of BBC2′s new ‘Pope Thursday’ evening schedule.
September 29th, 2005 at 17:59
Mud-hair on the Darts Floor
Reigning UK darts champion Sophie Ellis-Bextor faces competition for her title from a maverick cave-woman who doesn’t play by the rules (or wash her hair). Guest-starring Eric Bristow.
September 29th, 2005 at 18:14
But Yehudi Butternut Cull the Mauve!
Less-successful sequel to Mud-hair on the Darts Floor. Sophie Ellis-Bextor has retired from her darts career and is working for a graphic design company. Her boss, violinist Yehudi Menuhin, is not a fan of soft reds and pinks, and invariably wants the work Ellis-Bextor produces to reflect this. He also likes certain kinds of walnuts.
September 29th, 2005 at 19:56
Shuttle Cocks
James Hewitt and Mick Hucknall (Simply Read) are put on the space shuttle endeavour, which sadly does not explode on the journey to orbit. Our heroes must compete in hilarious zero gravity tasks to try and persuade the viewers not to blow the airlocks using the red button on their sky remotes.
Sometimes they play badminton.
September 29th, 2005 at 20:17
“Bad” Minton
Chuck Minton is a teenager growing up on the wrong side of the tracks in 1980s LA. His habit of shoplifting to support his disabled mother has earned him a bad rep, but his gentle side is revealed when he meets Mr Miyogi, the local badminton instructor.
After months of hard pounding cock, Minton-san is prepared for his first big match. But to reach the top of the local badminton ladder and win the girl of his dreams, Chuck must discover new depths of self control and courage.
Michael Jackson does the theme music.
In the sequel, they travel to Chuck’s ancestral home in the Thuringen town of Bad Minton for even more hard pounding etc etc.
September 29th, 2005 at 20:36
Intelligent Design
21st century take on brushstrokes. After retiring from being president, George W Bush (Only Fuels and Hearses) and his pals Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld set up a kitchen design business in New Orleans. They are amazed to discover how complex the work is and conclude it can only have been created by god. They occasionally go to museums to laugh at how obviously fake all the fossils are.
September 29th, 2005 at 22:05
Sales of the Unexpected
Shopping channel with no regular schedule or forward programme information. Best known show is ‘Pails of the unexpected’ in which goods are offered contained in buckets, so you never what you’re going to get or how much it costs. One of them contains Roald Dahl’s corpse, which is turning in its bucketty grave.
I’d recommend you watch it, but I’m not sure what time it’s on.
Sails of the Unexpected
Shipping channel featuring oddly designed seagoing vessels.
Wales of the Unexpected
Specialist Welsh shopping channel that sell items you didn’t realise were Welsh. Like toasters.
Snails of the unexpected
As above, but with french people.
September 29th, 2005 at 23:03
Money For Old Pope
Cynical BBC retrospective clip show. Highlights from BBC2′s hugely successful ‘Pope Thursday’ line-up interspersed with woefully uninciteful commentary from D-list catholic celebrities. Presented by Fern Cotton. Some mild swearing and scenes of a sexual nature.
September 30th, 2005 at 10:13
Papal Reign
When the rapture unexpectedly mis-fires and the entire Roman Catholic priesthood is promptly whisked away to the afterlife, the hunt is on to find Saint Peter’s nearest living relative, no matter how short, whiny or disrespectful of religious imagery they may be. Enter Prince (John Goodman), a short, whiny singer with few interests outside making sweet soul ballads and rocking guitar pop with his popular beat combo. Will he be able to pull it off? He just mitre.
September 30th, 2005 at 10:46
Short and Schweet
Urban makeover show: MP Clare Short busts some hella-fly town planning plays as she pimps up Birmingham Ladywood big-style. Local fuddy-duddies gawp in horror as the wigity-wack Centenary Square is fitted with well-def UV skirt lighting and The Birmingham Museum & Art Gallery swaps its world-class Pre-Raphaelite art collection for a raw-dope three-planed spoiler. Feathers inevitably fly whenever Hilary Benn refers to her as his ‘shorty’.
September 30th, 2005 at 10:53
The Woman in White
Jimmy ‘Whirlwind’ White gives us an unreserved insight into his private life.
September 30th, 2005 at 12:26
Coco Pops
Coco Chanel narrates the stories behind her shrewd, chic and cutting edge fashion design whilst performing the electric boogie on a dancefloor of chocolate-covered puffed rice.
September 30th, 2005 at 12:28
Co Cop Ops
Conjoined twin policemen share their surgical aspirations with a cartoon monkey.
September 30th, 2005 at 14:32
Every Clwyd Has a Silver Lynam
When the ancient vicar of St Llanelinan’s in Colwyn Bay dies suddenly, the parishioners are surprised to find that the Bishop has appointed a sports commentator as their new vicar. Armed with a sharp wit, a double dose of double entendre and healthy supply of chocolate, ladies’ favourite, Des Lynam (Lynam Up) brings the town’s lovable – though rather eccentric – inhabitants an hysterical new outlook on life, love and international athletics.
September 30th, 2005 at 16:40
When the Boeing Gets Tough
High-octane drama about one passenger jet’s struggle against the odds. Some mild drug references.
September 30th, 2005 at 17:09
Bring the Rochus
Up-and-coming Belgian tennis star Olivier Rochus can’t stop himself from starting fights with everyone he meets. Soundtrack by the Wu-Tang Clan.
September 30th, 2005 at 17:16
Do-A-Diddy?, Diddy-Dumb?, Diddy-Do!
Intimate documentary about Sean Combs, aka P Diddy, as he suffers pangs of self-doubt, wondering whether women are sleeping with him just because he’s rich, famous, powerful, cool, popular and attractive – and maybe he’s been naive-verging-on-stupid not to realise it before – then he decides to just forget about it and continue screwing the coked-up groupies anyway.
September 30th, 2005 at 17:19
Dude, Where’s My Cartilage?
No-brainer buddy movie about two jellyfish going to college and smoking a lot of weed.
September 30th, 2005 at 17:27
For whom the Brel tolls
Gameshow in which Belgian chanson sensation Jacques Brel runs a toll booth on a popular French motorway. Contestants must drive their cars through one of a number of toll gates, seeking Jacques. Those who succeed get a stirring rendition of ‘Les Singes’ from the master himself. Those who fail receive a peal of bells from a nearby church.
Plastique Bertrand leads the campanologists.
September 30th, 2005 at 17:38
Goody Goody Toulouse
Jade Goody and Toulouse Lautrec (Jamie Cullum) are force fed figs then given the choice of one of two thunderboxes on which to relieve themselves. But little do they know that one pan contains a hidden crocodile.
Will Jade win the luxury holiday to Toulouse and her own weight in Toulouse sausage? Will Toulouse be really pissed off because he doesn’t weigh very much? Which of them gets eaten by the slavering lizard?
September 30th, 2005 at 17:45
Potato Peeler
The year is 1848 and the Irish are starving as their potato harvest is sent east to the imperial capital of London. On November 11, a shipment of Queen Victoria’s favourite Maris Pipers start the slow crawl up the Thames, but they are never seen at the pool of London.
Jim Tuber, a detective in Scotland Yard, is deputed to investigate (becoming known in the process as the ‘potato peeler’, for anyone who’s not keeping up). But he is up against the clock as the deep fat fryers of London run low and the Queen demands to know why her bangers have come with no mash.
September 30th, 2005 at 18:02
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character
Ian Have-a-dream-that-my-four-little-children-will-one-day-live (Martin Luther King) is the manager of the A-nation-where-they-will-not-be-judged-by-the-color-of-their-skin-but-by-the-content-of-their-character pub
September 30th, 2005 at 18:15
He went into all the country around the Jordan, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins
Exegesis of Luke Chapter 3, verse 3 delivered live via satellite by Jordan the model in a formula 1 car and Basketball star Michael Jordan in Jordan the country.
September 30th, 2005 at 18:26
Luther, Rinse, Repeat
Martin Luther King (I Have a Dream That My Four Little Children Will One Day Live In a Nation Where They Will Not Be Judged by the Color of Their Skin but by the Content of Their Character) is the manager of a grime hairdressing salon where the only radio station they have on in the background is Rinse FM. (R)
October 1st, 2005 at 16:12
Are You Being Severed.
John Inman, from popular 60′s sitcom takes a look at celebrities that have gone under the knife.
October 1st, 2005 at 16:22
Robin’s Hood
Robin Cook finds himself legal guardian of two young offenders, transforming his well-to-do neighbourhood in this friday night sitcom. Every episode ends with him getting an A.S.B.O. Lee Evans stars.
October 1st, 2005 at 16:24
Shylock Holmes
Amon Holmes takes an indepth look at the the moral decline of Jewish law firms.
October 1st, 2005 at 17:10
‘ELO ‘ELO
As if the life of Café owner René Artois (Roy Wood) wasn’t difficult enough juggling the affections of his tuneless wife Edith (Jeff Lynne), his leggy mistress Yvette (Rick Price), and consistently producing an irresistible fusion of Beatlesque pop and futuristic iconography. Now he’s got the French resistance and the Gestapo to add to his admirers too!
October 1st, 2005 at 17:14
Jam Iroquois
A.K.A. Conserve in the Reserve. Jay Kay plays a native American in this improvised comedy show.
October 3rd, 2005 at 11:12
Shabba Dabba Doo!
Jamaican remake of the Flintstones. Chaka Demus and Pliers guest star.
October 3rd, 2005 at 11:35
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle
Tommy Lee is left in charge of a child. Failing to mollify the youngster with his ‘special sherbert’ or videos of himself having sex. Lee frequently resorts to playing Motley Crue classics in the hope that they will lull the child to sleep.
Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t work.
October 3rd, 2005 at 20:10
The T’ing
Low budget horror starring Kano (Kurt Russel), Wiley (Donald Pleasence) and other london based grime mcs.
A small crew of scientists begin acting strangely after discovering a frozen alien corpse. They soon realise: “swear down, that shit is live!”
October 3rd, 2005 at 20:27
Too Many Cooks Spoil The Ross
Dire channel 5 reality cooking show. The long since deceased Robin Cook, Peter Cook and Thomas Cook are carelessly resurrected and forced to attempt to woo floppy haired TV/Radio entity/presenter Johnathon Ross – with their culinary prowess. Ross is initially overwhelmed by the tasty delights on offer but soon begins to expect it.
Jo Brand narrates and sometimes talks about cake, and how men don’t do washing up and stuff…
October 4th, 2005 at 12:17
Orinoco Flow
Madame Cholet, Tomsk, Great Uncle Bulgaria, Tobermory, and the rest of the Wombles tactfully induct the bumbling Orinoco (Enya) into what it means when it’s a woman’s ‘time of the month’. All this takes place while sailing down a large Venezuelan river.
October 4th, 2005 at 12:54
Buffy the Christian Slater
Spin off series from the ever so popular TV show buffy, staring Christian Slater as a pre-op transexual that goes around randomly insulting christians.
October 5th, 2005 at 14:30
The Byronic Man
Byron James is a crack commando whose body has been mangled by an air crash. Fortunately, due to modern advances in nanotechnology (or something) and postmodern literary theory, we have the power to rebuild him. Our hero goes from Byron to Byronic, gaining the power to compose epic poetry, stand around on windswept moors and shag his own sister.
His career as a commando is, sadly, ruined.
October 5th, 2005 at 14:53
All Quirk and No Play Makes Jack a Dhal Boy
Jack Dee is an aspiring thespian, but when he meets the love of his life (Pauline Quirk) he learns that nothing pleases him quite so much as mashed lentils.
October 5th, 2005 at 15:03
Rock ‘n’ Roald
Archive Rockumentary charting the oft forgotten prog-rock success of the Rock and Roald Dahl in the late 1970. The Rock’s well known pathetic addiction to British seaside rock is eschewed in favour of a surprising and intimate admission of Roald’s increasing reliance on mashed lentils to fuel his melodic inspiration.
October 5th, 2005 at 15:12
Abra Cadaver
Nick Broomfield gets to the bottom of the infamous disappearance of Debbie McGee.
October 5th, 2005 at 15:16
See No Beadle, Speak No Beadle, Hear No Beadle
30 minutes of pleasurable dead air.
October 5th, 2005 at 15:24
Von Hagen Daas
Professor Gunther von Hagens shares his latest innovative ice-cream recipies.
October 6th, 2005 at 12:05
Murder Che Wrote
Only one person can save Cuba from the clutches of Fulgencio Batista: It’s Jessica Fletcher (Ernesto Guevara), a colorful-minded geriatric author of best-selling mystery novels.
October 6th, 2005 at 16:38
Che gue ‘Vera’- The snack van diaries.
Vera Duckworth of soap Coronation street retraces the steps of the revolutionary (Murder Che Wrote),in a greasy spoon van.
October 6th, 2005 at 16:50
Balty Towers
Basil Fawlty played by Nick Nolte of ‘Blue Peter Badge’ and ‘Another Fawlty-eight hours’) retires from the force and buys an Indian takeaway. However when his delivery boy is found murdered he is forced out of retirment to expose a vicious illegal meat scam.
October 6th, 2005 at 17:03
Korma Kamillian
Boy George hosts challenging cookery show where final dish must compliment contestants outfit.
October 6th, 2005 at 18:18
Idle and Suggish
Eric Idle and Suggs from madness share a flat in this thursday night comedy. Both are unemployed but lack the muster to even leave the flat. Samantha Janus stars as third flat mate.
October 6th, 2005 at 19:49
Franklin, My Dear, I Don’t Give a Damn!
Long forgotten, and overly cruel situation comedy starring Franklin and Elenour Roosevelt. Bed ridden, hungry and cold, Franklin (Tom Cruise) is forced to endure Elenour’s (Penelope Cruz) brutal honesty 24/7.
While he tries to forget his woes by watching classic silver screen moments, Elenour points out how she couldn’t care less about the Great Depression, World War 2, or his struggle with Polio. With hilarious consequences.
October 7th, 2005 at 12:28
Haus of Whacks
Car troubles lead a group of college students to wander into a museum of poor 80s techno and derivative 90s hip hop.
October 7th, 2005 at 12:37
The Fly
When a brilliant scientist (Jeff Goldblum) steps into his innovative but experimental teleportation device, little does he realise that Wonder Mike, Big Bank Hank and Master Gee are chillin’ wit’ a phat reefer in the other booth! After he emerges, half-man, half supa-fly, even Geena Davis can’t feed his jam habit.
October 7th, 2005 at 15:24
Theroux and Glass, darkly
Louis Theroux and Philip Glass star in the hilarious sketch show that takes a wry look at black cultural stereotypes.
October 7th, 2005 at 15:35
The Garden Noam
Noam Chomsky unites the diverse discplines of linguistics, geopolitics and pond fishing as only he can.
October 7th, 2005 at 15:40
The Devil finds work for Vidal’s hands
This week, the devil shows Gore Vidal how to lace an evil doily.
October 7th, 2005 at 15:51
Chasing the Dragon
Comedy cop caper. Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson follow their noses to track down Big Harry.
October 7th, 2005 at 15:57
Thanks
Tom Hanks acknowledges everyone who has contributed to his immense success.
October 7th, 2005 at 16:01
The DeVito Code
A Harvard symbologist uncovers a two-thousand-year-old plot to make the world’s most short, bald and annoying man.
October 9th, 2005 at 13:01
Danson in the Streets
Sarcastic American ladies’ man Ted Danson (Dirty Danson) takes a job in a London pub, only to discover he must work alongside his bitter ex-lover Mike Skinner. After months of flirting and bickering, the two set aside their differences to found a novelty British rap group… and still aren’t happy.
October 9th, 2005 at 14:46
Back to the Suture
George Cluny stars as a doctor who is wracked with guilt after he puts wobbly lines of stitches into a series of nasty gashes on the forearms of his last nine patients.
Cluny grabs his skateboard and heads over to his friend Dr Emmett Brown’s house to work out his frustration by playing some Huey Lewis. Instead, he discovers that the wily doctor has uncovered the secret of time travel.
Thus our hero travels back to the suture, determined that a stitch in time WILL save nine from wobbly and uneven scarring.
October 9th, 2005 at 14:51
Huey Lewis and the Cruise
Ageing ‘power of love’ hitmaker takes a relaxing cruise in the Persian gulf, when his ship is hijacked by fundamentalist terrorists who plan to use it launch a nuclear strike on Riyadh.
In an Arabian nights-style twist, the terrorists promise not to launch their deadly attack if Huey will entertain them with a different slice of yankee power pop every night for 1,001 days. If he fails, Huey goes from pleasure cruise to cruise missile, as the terrorists threaten to tie him to their nuclear device!
October 9th, 2005 at 15:01
Pass the Duchy
Archers-style soap opera set on Prince Charles’s Cornish estates. Scheming exam-cheat prince Harry has been released from the army and returns home, but rapidly becomes bored with his comfortable lifestyle and his ageing and increasingly crotchetty father. Can Harry find a way to make Charles give up his lands?
Eddy Grundy guest stars as Eddy Grundy.
October 10th, 2005 at 15:40
On the Dole
Senators Bob and Elizabeth Dole sit and contimplate the disastorous political mistakes they have made during their part in the re-election of Bush. Micheal Moore stars as grumpy next door neighbour.
October 11th, 2005 at 12:48
No Time Toulouse
French Post-Impressionist painter and printmaker Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec is transported kicking and screaming into the 21st century, where he is employed by a graphic design company based in Hoxton. His leisurely, aristocratic upbringing has not prepared him for the fast-paced nature of the modern business environment, and so his collegues constantly have to bring him up to speed.
They include Henry, a desperate man with nothing left to lose, and Henrietta, a desperate woman whose sexual habits would lead some to describe her as too loose.
October 11th, 2005 at 12:53
One Slight Hitchens
A more political take on ITV’s Celebrity Fit Club. Right-wing columnist and lunatic Peter Hitchens competes with his estranged brother, Left-wing columnist and lunatic turned Right-wing columnist and lunatic Christopher Hitchens as they attempt to lose the most amount of weight in only one month. George Galloway narrates, calling them both ‘poppinjays’ and other arcane insults as often as is possible.
October 11th, 2005 at 12:59
Brand Identity
Jo Brand (Too Many Cooks Spoil The Ross) presents a no-nonsense guide to the world of marketing, also taking time out to ponder what it means to be an irritating, self-referential commedienne who won’t stop talking about how cake is nice and men sometimes leave the toilet seat up.
October 11th, 2005 at 13:03
The Garden Naomi
Cynical cash-in on the runaway success of ‘The Garden Noam’. Naomi Klein unites the diverse disciplines of socio-cultural ownership, geopolitics and pond fishing as only she can.
October 11th, 2005 at 13:15
Jesus Chrysler
Slapstick comedy. Jesus Christ (The Book of Matthew, The Book of Mark, etc.) runs an american car dealership in Jerusalem. He is prone to clumsiness and frequently knocks over the table in the finance & credit department with hilarious consequences.
October 11th, 2005 at 13:23
The Empire Strikes Bragg
During his continual investigation into the history of ideas, Melvin Bragg accidentally gets on the wrong side of Genghis Khan (Khan ‘n’ Kant). After Khan settles their differences at the Kingston-upon-Thames Megabowl, Melvin joins the mongol hordes and together they beat seven shades out of Billy Bragg.
October 11th, 2005 at 13:38
The Fall Guy
Mark E Smith is implicated in the assassination of President John F Kennedy.
October 11th, 2005 at 17:10
Hugh Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet
Fly-on-the-wall documentary following Hugh Grant’s experimental self-surgery to corrent the tragic blindness he has kept secret from everyone since his birth.
October 12th, 2005 at 12:02
Ottermatic for the Pupae,
Michael Stipe tries his hand at puppetry in this long awaited sequel to Henry Williamson’s Tarka the Otter. The year is 2012: Insect numbers are spiralling way out of control until a rogue group of well-read UCLA robotics students hatch a little more than a cunning plan in the neighbouring taxidermy college.
October 12th, 2005 at 12:06
Putin it Away
What if Vladimir Putin (Daniel Craig) were an alcoholic filing clerk?
October 12th, 2005 at 12:30
The National Question
Anne Robinson and Phillip Schofield quiz a variety of blue-collar workers about their vibrant opinions on national socialism and British superiority. Viewers may text in their own answers if they use the appropriate racial slurs.
October 14th, 2005 at 13:42
Archie Type
Mr Ben-style reality TV series in which former Tory MP Archie Norman embarks on a voyage of Jungian self-discovery. Archie dresses up in a different archetypal costume every week before interviewing a range of experts to get their views on the collective unconscious. His Eris costume is, frankly, a bit silly.
October 14th, 2005 at 15:51
Mormon meets the eye
Orson Welles provides the voices for a cartoon that follows the adventures of a violent group of robots who are able to transform into members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In one episode they meet a big eye.
October 14th, 2005 at 15:56
Awesome Wells
Orson Welles (Mormon Meets the Eye) travels to Greensburg, Kansas and Gwahr, Saudi Arabia to visit some of the world’s largest wells.
October 14th, 2005 at 16:00
Fifty Scents, and 50 Cent’s Ability
Minor celebrities frivolously gamble money that would otherwise be given to charities, placing wild bets on whether popular rapper 50 Cent has the ability to correctly identify many obscure eaux de cologne.
October 14th, 2005 at 16:12
Orhan’s on Dec
Nobel literature prize nominee Orhan Pamuk candidly discusses his imprisonment in Turkey for “insulting the Republic”, his secret affair with TV presenter Declan Donnely, and the reasons why the second half of his most popular novel, My Name is Red, is so completely indigestible.
October 15th, 2005 at 15:09
Don’t Chew Want Me Baby
Chewbacca from Star Wars sings your favourite Human League songs.
October 15th, 2005 at 20:03
blind mans buff?
a parade of naked muscley blind men competeing for title by veiwers. stevie wonder, david blunket and duncan from biker grove on comic releif special.
October 15th, 2005 at 20:30
Lou Bega Believe It!
Hit maker Bega plays Tomas de Torquemada, fearsome head of the Spanish Inquisition, who forces people to profess their belief in the Lord by playing them all the tunes on his album that weren’t mambo no 5.
October 16th, 2005 at 18:08
The Word Is Not Enough
Controversial new direction for the bond franchise. James Bond (Mark Lamarr) attempts to capture and question his arch-nemesis Goldfinger (MC Hammer) by infiltrating a poor 80′s music show, and hitting him on the head with the book of genesis. He also tries to chat up a lesbian brummie – all to no avail.
October 16th, 2005 at 18:11
Hell Is Other People
Depressing but entirely accurate documentary.
October 18th, 2005 at 16:36
Kingdom of Devon
Northamptonshire blacksmith Orlando Bloom is taken away by his father to fight in the crusade to make Devon free for all to eat cream teas in. Porn starlet Devon co-stars as the busty milkmaid love interest whose poor decisions allow the Cornish to take over Taunton.
October 19th, 2005 at 17:23
Forces of Nietzsche
Friedrich Nietzsche (Ben Affleck) is just an ordinary guy trying to catch a flight to his wedding, until nature conspires to send his plane crashing into a remorseless, intellectually-void abyss (Sandra Bullock).
October 19th, 2005 at 17:26
The Chisel
DIY show with Snoop Dogg.
October 19th, 2005 at 17:36
Look Who’s Tolkien
Bruce Willis is dismayed to discover that he is trapped in the body of reclusive Oxford professor who is only capable of communicating by the recital of verbose poetry in a pretentious archaic language of his own invention. This presents a particular hurdle for Willis, since he is mostly interested in making juvenile breast jokes.
October 19th, 2005 at 19:04
Chants’d Be a Fine Thing
Obese nobodies from the general public compete to be the next big thing in the world of Byzantine choir recitals.
October 19th, 2005 at 19:07
I Hope I Die Before I’m Aldrin
Inexpensive, derivative clip show: A celebration of all things second-best, presented by Roger Daltrey.
October 21st, 2005 at 11:16
The egg on me and the eggs at sea
Rex Harrison stars as Michaelangelo who, having messed up the sistine chapel roof (getting egg on his face), starts a new life with a chicken farm on an Italian beach. But, thanks to his poor planning, all his eggs are washed into the Bay of Naples at high tide every day.
October 25th, 2005 at 10:49
total freefall
arnie, sharon stone and the bad guy from robocop re-enact the classic 80s movie in the three or so minutes they have before plummeting to their ultimate demise.
October 25th, 2005 at 23:28
The Presidential Rice
Condoleezza Rice and Anneka Rice battle to become the first female president of the United States of America. Anneka is at considerable disadvantage on account of not being a natural-born U.S. citizen and not having lived in the U.S. for at least 14 years, so as consolation she is allowed to bring her yellow and blue amphibious jeep.
October 25th, 2005 at 23:40
Camer On Camping
David Cameron (Kenneth Williams) and David Davis (Sid James) appeal to middle Britain by taking their leadership battle to a nudist campsite where they are unwittingly exposed to Theresa May’s chest.
October 28th, 2005 at 14:56
Ian Sickness and Ian Health
Ian Sickness and Ian Health share a flat together in uneventful Wellingborough. Ian Health is a GP and Ian Sickness is a rap music promoter. Sometimes Ian Sickness is ill and Ian Health looks after him; at other, more hilarious times Ian Health is unwell and Ian Sickness invites round an exciting roster of up-and-coming hip-hop crews in an attempt to nurse him back to form. They are also married.
October 28th, 2005 at 15:04
Time to Get Eel
Michael Diamond presents this daily eel-fishing show, unaccountably affecting an elaborate Mexican accent.
October 28th, 2005 at 17:20
Tarik or Retreat
Topical hallowe’en gameshow gala: President George W. Bush is allowed either to have all his troops out of Iraq, no-questions-asked, no-hard-feelings, or to have Tarik Aziz and Debbie McGee perform a short magic routine for him.
October 30th, 2005 at 20:47
Arch E-type
British re-make of Knight Rider in which Sir Michael ‘Ginger’ Knight drives a talking Jaguar car, which is fond of making brash, arty jokes about the crimes the duo is asked to solve. Obviously a latter day representation of Loki, then.
November 1st, 2005 at 12:15
Beaver Las Vegas
The original cast of Fingermouse go stateside for Iain Lauchlan’s (A.K.A. The Music Man) batchelor party. When Rat accidentally kills a prostitute in their hotel room, everyone starts pointing fingers.
November 5th, 2005 at 17:40
Des’s Tiny Child
When Des Lynam (Lynam up, Every Clwyd Has a Silver Lynam) decides it’s time to hang up his sterility hang-ups and adopt, little does he realise just how small his jive-talkin’ R&B singin’ daughter might be.
November 5th, 2005 at 17:48
June
Brain-damaged celebrity June Sarpong stars as a barren desert planet overridden by oppressive conquerors who desire the precious spice that lies beneath her arid comprehension of simple events. Popular beat soloist Sting guests as pretentious dolt with a large forehead.
November 7th, 2005 at 12:42
Crimea River 2: Row, Row, Row Your Boat Gently Down The Stream; Marilyn, Marilyn, Madeleine, Maryland, Life Is But A Dream
Musical thriller sequel: Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Manson and Madeleine Albright must put aside their differences and battle for their lives with only a packet of inexpensive Maryland cookies, when bad luck predictably turns their dream rafting holiday on the Uzundga river in Ukraine into a nightmare rafting holiday on the Uzundga river in Ukraine.
November 7th, 2005 at 12:49
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Tim
Topical gardening quiz show. Each week, 70s puppet Parsley the Lion and Sage Francis take on popular dietician Rosemary Conley and Tim Westwood to see who knows the most about hoes and weed. Procedings inevitably turn into a testosterone-fuelled rap battle between Parsley and Conley.
November 7th, 2005 at 16:54
Merklin’ Grime to Live
Lethal Bizzle stars as a grime MC who must rush across London to get his newly pressed single to hip hop DJ Tim Westwood. On the way, he must defeat Kano and Dizzee Rascal, who are jealous of his hungry new plate and want to stop him dacing to the hours. If he fails, he has to go back to working in Tesco.
Dolly Parton co-stars as Bizzle’s muthizzle.
November 8th, 2005 at 18:21
Les Vingt-Quatre Cents Coups
Jacques Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) is 14 year old Parisian. Sadly neglected by his parents and threatened with suspension from school on account of not speaking any French, Jacques turns to counter-terrorist intelligence as a means of emotional escape. Later, he crys in a car.
November 8th, 2005 at 18:27
Shoot Firth and ask Quentins later
Quiz show. Having misunderstood the order of events, Quentin Tarantino and Quentin Blake try to correctly answer general knowledge questions under the belief that this will help save Colin Firth from an appointment with the business end of a twelve-bore rifle.
November 9th, 2005 at 18:06
Light Lunch with Mel and Tsu
Mel Giedroyc presents a light-hearted daily comedy, cook & chat show with founding father of Taoism, Lao Tsu. Repartee is somewhat hindered by Giedroyc’s embarassing ignorance of 6th Centry BC Chinese. The cooking element suffers too, as Tsu seems more interested in contemplating the remarkable natural world than casseroling it. Continuity problems are exacerbated by highly plausible rumours that Tsu might actually be an agglomeration of several different early Chinese thinkers who lived centuries apart.
November 9th, 2005 at 18:30
Cat on a Hot Tim Roth
Off-the-shelf phone-in celebrity torture show.
November 9th, 2005 at 19:09
Hume Alone
When his parents go on holiday to Paris without him, radical British Empiricist David Hume (Macaulay Culkin) must tool up and defend his “open question argument”, refuting any identification of moral properties with natural properties using only everyday household items.
November 11th, 2005 at 12:15
Jewel of Denial
Alaskan singer-songwriter, poet, artist, cordon bleu chef and kung fu master, Jewel ardently defends herself against accusations that she is dull. And that if her work is by any chance a little derivative, it’s only a side effect of her trying remain honest and authentic, while refusing to be pigeonholed.
November 11th, 2005 at 12:19
Pax Man
Jeremy Paxman walks around a large maze eating giant mint imperials whilst being chased by coloured ghosts. If he should encounter and eat any fruit upon his journey, all the ghosts turn blue and he can eat them too. Depth is provided by Paxman’s constant need to staunchly defend himself against allegations of obliquely encouraging hard drug use.
November 14th, 2005 at 18:24
Postmodern Pat
At first, residents of Greendale are merely a little taken aback by their postie’s ironic sneering, but tension mounts when he starts delivering them sellotaped cut-up reinterpretations of each other’s letters and abstract signifiers of their parcels instead of the parcels themselves. After Pat savagely critiques Ted Glen’s anachronistic modernist building techniques, the villagers demand he take himself and his black and white semantics elsewhere.
November 17th, 2005 at 17:42
Charlies Angles
Guided only by her cunningly hidden voice messages Handy Andy must conduct a full reconstruction of Charlie Dimmocks preposterous breasts using only PVA glue and ply wood.
November 18th, 2005 at 16:57
Cary Grant
Eastenders character Grant Mitchell unearths the dead body of 60s movie star Cary Grant and carries him on his travels in ‘a weekend at bernies’ fashion pretending that he is alive; hilarity ensues.
November 18th, 2005 at 20:03
Private Dicks
Richard Private (Dick Van Dyke), an independant detective who values his solitude, is summoned to Guantanamo Bay to investigate Pvt. Dix, a Private First Class in the United States Marine Corps, over allegations that he is secretly a giant penis. A sub-plot follows Richard’s dream of making his detective bureau a public limited company, but it never happens.
November 30th, 2005 at 5:40
Scarred Face
Anthony Worrell Thompson (ready steady cook) plays multiple burns victim and OBE awarded Simon Weston (this is your life) as he fights to maintain his place as the face of serious disfigurement survival in Britain. Numerous TV appearances and charitable trust openings do little to alay his increasing paranoia as he embarks on a week long plunge into the depths of adversity survival that ultimately results in the death of himself and all those close to him.
Fern Britain co-stars as a young Esther Rantzen.
December 2nd, 2005 at 13:09
Lee! Scratch Terry!
Thriller in which Terry Christian gets a nasty case of itchy, itchy ecsma while holidaying in rural Jamaica. Fortunately, he finds himself in the vicinity of Black Ark studios. The result is a crazy new reggae sound as Lee Perry creates syncopating rhythms by scraping off Christian’s arm dandruff. The resulting recording is rapidly ripped off by Madonna.
December 2nd, 2005 at 20:27
Cocker Hoop
Jarvis Cocker boastfully demonstrates the hula skills that have made him famous.
December 2nd, 2005 at 20:31
Hula Shaker
Washed up Crispian Mills stars in this Channel 5 rip-off of ‘Cocker Hoop’.
December 2nd, 2005 at 20:39
Franz
Kafka and his 5 Generation-X buddies spend most days in the hilariously named Café Karlovo Namesti drinking tepid borsht out of absurdly small bowls. In series 4 the comrades aquire a somewhat anthropomorphised cockroach, which ultimately results in a serious existential breakdown for Franz.
December 3rd, 2005 at 18:12
Wax On, Wax Off
Ruby Wax stars as a wizened kung-fu master tv personality whose on-screen success is quite sporadic. In periods of work-liberty she entices small defenceless boys to her house to have them perform laborious household chores.
December 5th, 2005 at 18:54
The Long Good Furby
East London untouchable Bob Hoskins has his organised crime empire swept from under his feet by an army of cuddly toys with primitive artificial intelligence and moderate infra-red telepathy.
December 5th, 2005 at 18:57
Ice, Ice, Baby
Screwball buddy comedy: Rappers Vanilla Ice and Ice Cube adopt a child (Steve Guttenberg) through an hilarious sequence of events. The new parents clash repeatedly over Vanilla’s insistance on ‘phonics’-based reading lessons where Cube prefers a classical education. In Ancient Greek with jive-talk subtitles.
December 23rd, 2005 at 0:39
The weakest wink
All the contestants try and mimic Anne Robinson’s wink, and the one with the weakest impersonation goes out at the end of each round.
See if you can think of any other weakest wink variations. try changing one vowel in the second word.
January 1st, 2006 at 21:15
The Weakest Chink
Offensively un-PC ITV1 rehash of the original. An assortment of Chinese take part in a round robin style arm wrestling tournament whilst Anne Robinson, herself wearing headgear designed to tighten the skin around her eyes so as to make her ‘a bit slitty looking’, fires questions at them about their country’s inability to quash comparitively small Japan during WWII, the answers to which frequently requiring the pronunciation of a proportionally high amount of R’s and L’s.
The show’s problems are compounded by the fact that, due to the ineptitude of the show’s researchers, many of the contestants are not actually chinese but merely of wider East-Asian descent.
January 3rd, 2006 at 2:32
Bill and Ted’s Excellent Nomenclature
Historical Docu-drama. Bill (Willem Defoe) and Ted (Ed Burns) use a phone box as their vessel to take a wacky trip through time and space in an attempt to develop a system of classification for Keanu Reeves’ various acting roles.
Subplots include the pair trying, with hilarious consequences, to keep track of every reference to Reeves’ acting as ‘wooden’ (or any variation thereof) by critics, chatshow hosts, and the general public, and the increasing annoyance of Burns as he attempts to find out why Dafoe spells his first name with an E; an exchange that becomes a weekly standing joke.
January 3rd, 2006 at 3:11
Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey
Bill (Willem Dafoe) and Ted (Ed Burns) spend a week at home watching 24: Season 3 and eating bacon sandwiches whilst pretending to be on a epic (and very expensive) adventure through heaven and hell that is in reality little more than an elaborate tax write-off.
After taking disk four hostage, Burns is fantastically underwhelmed to discover that Dafoe was originally named ‘William’, and that it was he who changed it to avoid being called ‘Billy’ when he was younger.
January 3rd, 2006 at 11:52
WHam!
George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley are so insensed by football hooliganism that they decided to take matters into their own hands and infiltrate the violent underground element of West Ham Football Club’s fan base. Fight scenes are enhanced by Batman-style graphic onomatopoeias.
January 3rd, 2006 at 12:17
Blix and Mortar
Documentary: After years of bullying from his peers at the UN Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission, former international weapons inspetor Hans Blix travels to Cambodia as a weapons tourist to blow up a goat with a 240-mm Soviet “Tyulpan” self-propelled mortar and prove he’s not the ‘pussy’ everyone says he is.
January 3rd, 2006 at 12:22
Hancock’s Half-Owl
Professor Gunther von Hagens exhumes the late Tony Hancox and, after demonstrating how far the head of the mostly decomposed corpse may be rotated, makes a rash hypothesis.
January 3rd, 2006 at 12:30
In Vino Veritas
Robert Kilroy-Silk is encouraged to get Oliver-Reedishly drunk and discuss asylum seekers in this fly-on-the-wall dinner party documentary.
January 4th, 2006 at 21:58
‘X’ Marks the Spot
Malcolm X steps up to the plate for the annual Nation of Islam ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ competition.
January 4th, 2006 at 23:44
Seal of Approval
Thousands of contestants from around the world make an assortment of gestures and sounds after which 90s acid-house-rock-fusion legend Seal approves one type of gesture or sound, like a kind of reverse ‘Simon Says’ Those hopefuls who were correct are permitted to enter the next round until there is only one remaining contestant, who is subsequently branded with the entire lyric of Seal’s first hit single, “Crazy”.
January 4th, 2006 at 23:56
The Penn is Mightier than the Saud
Sean Penn challenges the royal family of Saudi Arabia to a friendly ‘thumb war’ to see who is the mightiest.
January 9th, 2006 at 8:01
hi, it was great to read you’re diary, very compelling. I’m studing animation myself and i was wondering how many animations you do in your final year? how long are they generally and what sort of time frame you get? oh and one last question are the animations completely done by yourself or do you recieve helpers? thanks very much’ jennie
January 16th, 2006 at 11:35
Vital Oregons
Orson Welles meets the most famous and accomplished people from Oregon, and explains the functions of the human body to them. Series begins with The Simpsons creator, Matt Groening, and continues with some other, as yet unnamed, famous or accomplished people from Oregon. Interviews are separated by Welles’ frequent visits to Mount Angel Abbey Church in Portland, which houses what he believes to be the worlds most vital organ.
January 26th, 2006 at 19:03
Bowling for Concubines
Micheal Moore (On the Dole) and Charlton Heston hit the lanes for 10 frames of tense pin felling; the winner taking home a veritable harem of bullet ridden american teenagers.
May 16th, 2007 at 16:59
The Tragic Roundabout
New downbeat animation series based on the adventures of Zebedee, whose hubris leads to him losing all his friends owing to the evil machinations of Ermintrude. As he feels the world turning against him his morality steadily declines, until the shocking finale where, in a misguided attempt to save him from the cruelty and arbitrary whimsy of the world of the Tragic Roundabout, he murders Dougal by repeatedly bouncing on him.
May 16th, 2007 at 19:26
To the Lighthouse Family
Musical remake of the Virginia Woolf classic. Vocalist Tunde Baiyewu and keyboard player Paul Tucker weave together classics of their own, like ‘Lifted’ and ‘Ocean Drive’, to recreate Woolf’s complex multiple narratives in the formulaic manner that is currently so lucrative in the West End.
May 16th, 2007 at 19:31
Kentucky Friedrich Nietzsche
Reality TV show with Friedrich Nietzsche and Paris Hilton.